“No, aunty,” he said to my mother when she tried to take his plate from him. “I can keep my plate in the sink on my own.” 

He was the first guy friend to do this. Everyone else in the past had behaved as if we, the women, were under some sort of an obligation to work for them. 

It was because of small incidents like these that I could never see how he truly was. I overlooked his need to control me. I ignored his comments that made me uncomfortable. I stayed by his side hoping to have him as my friend all my life. But, I guess, he didn’t value me enough.

Today, I don’t know what I think of him. Sometimes, I hate him from the bottom of my heart for his sharp tongue that butchered my mind, soul, and spirit into tiny little pieces. Sometimes, I love him with all my heart and curse myself for shredding all my polaroid pictures with him into tiny little pieces. Sometimes, I feel as if my brain, heart, lungs will all explode. Sometimes, I throw up when I feel my insides explode. 

I have replayed the scene of our first encounter at least a million times by now. Him sitting quietly in a corner, me thinking he knows math, and walking towards him to clear some doubts and us bonding instantly. There was so much potential in that encounter. But, I guess, my luck has been terrible in terms of the men (and women) I have attracted. 

What did he do to me? What else should (not could) he have done? Where did I go wrong? Where should I have stopped? Why did this happen? Why did I let this happen? I believe I should stop looking for answers.

One thought on “Random Contradictions

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