all that triggers me

TW: mentions of ptsd and assault

my triggers aren’t the same as everyone else’s (i guess)…or maybe, they’re the exact same as everyone else’s (especially those with ptsd). 

today, while reading a poem, i came across the word “territory” and said it out loud. the sound of that word triggered me. i couldn’t read after that. perhaps, i had spoken this word in front of an abuser of mine or perhaps he had done it.

last month, someone mentioned the word “pitch” in a class and it brought back all the memories of an assault. well, technically, the term spoken in that particular assault was “switch”. but, then, “pitch” does sound like “switch”, doesn’t it?

about two months back, someone spoke about some “verdict”…and all i could do was text a friend saying, “verdicts trigger me.” (do they?) 

months before that, the scent of a raspberry-scented candle reminded me of summer’20. certainly, i had to keep the candle far away. 

about a year back, the taste of hot chocolate (which i usually like) made me throw up. 

not to forget…

dates (days) can trigger the crap out of me.

jan 31, 2020 (a day after my abuser tried to abuse me, again): i lost my balance on the road and permanently scarred my right knee. 

november 14, 2020 (almost a year after the assault which took place on november 18, 2019): i lost my balance on the road and permanently scarred my right knee even more.

february 14, 2021 (exactly a year after i had seen my abuser for the last time): i lost my balance on the road and permanently scarred my left knee. this time, i couldn’t walk for a week, couldn’t dance for a month, and had to take antibiotics and painkillers. 

november 6, 2021 (almost two years after the assault): i lost my balance on the road and scarred my left knee. this one hasn’t healed yet, so i guess only time will tell whether the scar will heal or not.

35 Comments

  1. It sneaks up on me. I’m not the same as I was and simple things seem to trigger me. I agree with you, I think it is both different and sometimes the same (at least underneath). I hope you come through this to a wholeness.

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  2. Upasana Dandona, have you sought counseling for the first attack. I don’t know where you live or what the customs are there. But healing can be long and slow. You probably have what is called PTSD) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. (https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967). Can you avoid the area he uses at least until you are stronger. These falls may be from a subconscious feeling or cultural way of thinking that you are responsible for him attacking you. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME! Place the blame where it belongs….on the one who hurt you. Try to give yourself more kindness, take care of your body because you and it are together as long as you live. Do not let him use have remote control over you with fear. You also maybe are not coping with the rage you must feel deep down inside for what he has done to you and how he has affected your life. It is okay to be angry but you may need help in coping with it. If you can look up Healing From PTSD on YouTube, you may be able to feel better or help yourself understand the “Whys” of your falls and anxiety. I am rooting for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello! Thank you so much for your comment. I agree about the fact that healing can be long and slow. I also understand what you meant about the cultural way of thinking.
      Yeah, things are getting better with time (at least in a few ways). A bit tangential, but today is my birthday (well, it was on the 19th)…the reason I’m mentioning that is because it’s been exactly 2 years since I was assaulted. The past 2 years have been very difficult mentally and emotionally, but I guess, it’ll all be fine one day.
      Once again, thanks for your kind words and for your concern. It truly means a lot.

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  3. Upasana, thank you so much for visiting my blog so often. I am sorry I couldn’t visit earlier. I just read most of your posts. They evoke a sense of anger, pain as well as helplessness in me. Take care and keep writing. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. For some, it’s really hard to remember dates but when you do remember them, there’s always something behind it and most of the times it isn’t nice. One of the dates you mentioned here is also my birthday and I really wish I can somehow undo one of these, if not every single one. And I won’t say I feel sad for you, although I do, but because I so much wish for you to get out of that zone. Sure counseling helps, but what I learnt was it has to be you to help yourself and get out of it. Now as much as I want to take away your pain, I want you to have that desire and make these dates have you feel something nice and comforting rather than the pain. I’m sure you’ll do that, with time. You take care of yourself, sending you lots of wishes and love. I’ll check back on you, haha! Have a lovely day, Upasana 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello! Thank you so much for this 😊 it genuinely made my day. You have no idea how much your kind words mean to me. I am sure things will get better for me and I’m really glad that the stuff I wrote resonated a bit with you. Certain dates I mentioned are around my birthday too (which is on the 19th of November) and I’ve been hoping to be in a better headspace on my birthday every year since 2019. Please take care 🌸

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I so much wish your next birthday surprises you with lots of sweetness and happiness, not just the birthday though, but the whole year. You take care too 😊

        Liked by 1 person

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