all that triggers me

TW: mentions of ptsd and assault

my triggers aren’t the same as everyone else’s (i guess)…or maybe, they’re the exact same as everyone else’s (especially those with ptsd). 

today, while reading a poem, i came across the word “territory” and said it out loud. the sound of that word triggered me. i couldn’t read after that. perhaps, i had spoken this word in front of an abuser of mine or perhaps he had done it.

last month, someone mentioned the word “pitch” in a class and it brought back all the memories of an assault. well, technically, the term spoken in that particular assault was “switch”. but, then, “pitch” does sound like “switch”, doesn’t it?

about two months back, someone spoke about some “verdict”…and all i could do was text a friend saying, “verdicts trigger me.” (do they?) 

months before that, the scent of a raspberry-scented candle reminded me of summer’20. certainly, i had to keep the candle far away. 

about a year back, the taste of hot chocolate (which i usually like) made me throw up. 

not to forget…

dates (days) can trigger the crap out of me.

jan 31, 2020 (a day after my abuser tried to abuse me, again): i lost my balance on the road and permanently scarred my right knee. 

november 14, 2020 (almost a year after the assault which took place on november 18, 2019): i lost my balance on the road and permanently scarred my right knee even more.

february 14, 2021 (exactly a year after i had seen my abuser for the last time): i lost my balance on the road and permanently scarred my left knee. this time, i couldn’t walk for a week, couldn’t dance for a month, and had to take antibiotics and painkillers. 

november 6, 2021 (almost two years after the assault): i lost my balance on the road and scarred my left knee. this one hasn’t healed yet, so i guess only time will tell whether the scar will heal or not.