Diwalis

It was Diwali’17 and I just couldn’t get myself to smile because no matter what I did, I didn’t look or feel good enough. My hair looked messy despite all my efforts at straightening them. My complexion wasn’t fair enough. My cheeks were chubby. My skin wasn’t clear.

I tried really hard to get one decent picture for Instagram. I failed. There wasn’t a single picture worth posting.

The fact that the ones I looked up to were able to look so effortlessly flawless brought tears to my eyes.

It was Diwali’18 and I couldn’t stop smiling because I looked and felt great. My hair had been permanently straightened since the last few months. My complexion was decent. My cheeks weren’t chubby. My skin was clear because of the expensive concealers I’d started using.

I had not one, but, many pictures that were worth posting.

The fact that people looked up to me for the way I dressed up gave me a sense of pride.

But, I was still sad deep within because of a sense of worthlessness which hadn’t existed the previous year.

I could look better, but, looks weren’t enough to fill the vacuum that existed because of lack of validation.

Selflessness

Selflessness is taught to quite a few ever since they start to exist

“Think of others before yourself”

“If someone wants something from you, give it without thinking (food, belongings, time etc etc)”

“Always listen to those in need and try helping them out (even if listening to them drains your energy).”

“Deal with all the toxicity in a relationship without complaining”

“If their bad behaviour has a reason behind it, excuse it and don’t avoid them because of it”

“No matter how exhausting it is to be with someone(physically, verbally, emotionally, mentally), do not give up”

“Be the first one to put in all the efforts.”

“Learn to forgive and forget because no one is perfect.”

“Give them a second/third/100th chance.”

“Don’t expect anything in return, but, do twice as much as they do for you.”

“Fall for all those who’ve fallen for you without keeping your likes and dislikes in mind.”

“Befriend whoever is friendly. Date whoever likes you. Marry whoever commits.”

“Anyone who puts in an effort for you deserves your efforts even if you don’t have the time and energy for those efforts.”

I wonder sometimes whether this so called selflessness is the actual reason behind all my heart-breaks.